school fundraising time

i really hate school fundraisers. they sent that crap home with my daughter the other day. i just hate asking people to buy shit. then every kid in town in selling the same thing - frozen cookie dough. too much competition.

THEN they entice the kids by telling them all the cool prizes they can win for selling the shit. ok, you can buy most of those prizes from the fuckin dollar store for less than the cost of ONE tub. but you can't tell kids that. THEN, they tell the kids that if you sell so many tubs, you get invited to the mega school party with games and rides and shit like that.

i told my daughter i didn't want to be bothered, and that she needed to ask grandma to take that shit to work...ok, ok, no i didn't say the word "shit" to her - lol!! my mom works in a big city, and they bought it last year. then my daughter looked at me with those sorrowful eyes and started crying. not the tears, awwwww, fuck!! so then i told her i would help her, but she had to ask people herself.

i took her to a few places around small-town and surprise - a few people bought some. after she went to bed, i started thinking about sex (like i always do). i thought about all the niggas who are chasing me, trying to get some. i called them all, and i sold $100 all by my damn self - me and my pussy LOL!!!

anybody wanna buy some cookie dough?

BDD is in town

BDD is this guy i used to date a while back. we dated, then we broke up. then we got back together. then broke up again. after the 2nd breakup, i just stopped speaking to him. both times, i found out he was cheating.

we are now back on speaking terms. he's doing very well for himself. he lives in one of the major cities in south carolina, and he visits small-town on the weekends. so i see him around town from time to time, and he's definitely been flirting, really hard!

why do i call him BDD? it stand for "Big Dick Dude". he's got the biggest penis i've ever seen (including in most my pornos). he calls his penis a pistol!! he's also damn near 7 feet tall, so i guess that's where it comes from. i'm sure Shaq is probably packing too...although i dunno about that tall ass chinese dude - ha ha, just kiding!

i really had a thing for BDD, and of course i'm a wimp, so i still do. however, i am very cautious around him, even with casual flirtation. yes, i know i am in "i'm gonna fuck as much as i wanna before surgery" mode...but i don't think i can have casual sex with BDD without falling for him again. at least that's what the angel on my right shoulder is telling me.

meanwhile, the devil on the left shoulder knows how much MJ is jealous of BDD. the last time MJ even SAW me with BDD, he about shit himself. BDD took me for a ride on his motorcycle, and either he saw us together or someone went back and told MJ. MJ went running up to my cousin's house telling them he needed to talk to them about me. that was a few months back when me and MJ were in the early stages, so i just kept it platonic with BDD. but fuck that - that MJ (and his invisible penis) shit is over now and i'm a free woman.

besides, for the first time in my life, i just fucked a complete stranger (revenge sex guy) and i never called him again**. surely i can be strong enough to fuck BDD again...

anyway, BDD came over last night because i told him had a problem with my car. he took it to his shop (yes, he owns his own business!), fixed it, and brought it back, AND didn't charge me anything. THAT deserves a little head, if not some full blown nookie - LOL!!

sooooooo, what's gonna happen this weekend? only time will tell





**note: i think revenge sex guy is pretty pissed at me for not calling him again - lol. i saw him around town the other day and he didn't speak. it IS possible he didn't see me, as we were driving past each other. but everyone here waves at each other, even if you don't know who the other person is that you're passing. he just flat out didn't wave. maybe he's sensitive, maybe he was interested in a relationship. who knows - i didn't really take the time to find out.

men do that shit all the time, they fuck and move on - if he can't take it, he needs to grow some balls, make some testosterone, and get over it.

just friends??

i had some more sex last night...gotta stock pile it up (like a camel - lol ) so that whenever i have to have my surgery i won't even be thinking about it.

but i slept with my closest guy friend. you know, the one who actually remembers my birthday and calls me every year; the one who listens when i bitch about other guys and then gives me advice on how to fuck with their heads; the one who always crashes our barbeques and we don't kick him out; the one who has the nicest, sweetest parents in the whole world; the one my mom calls "son"; the one who my daughter actually calls "Uncle _____", and really believed for a long time that he WAS her uncle.

i saw him yesterday. his son was playing football and we chatted at the game. i told him how "someone" broke my heart. he listened to me blab for a while, and then told me that i was much too pretty and smart to worry about some loser. (awwwwww!!) then he offered to stop by later to make me "feel better" - LOL.

he must have called me like 5 times to make sure i still wanted him to come by. another nervous guy? i just don't get it? how do i make men nervous? hell if i know...

so i fucked HIM. and it was good. really good. as he performed oral sex on me, i must have came for like 5 mintues straight. i finally had to tell him to stop because i couldn't take it. and i damn sure don't turn down oral sex!

it was even better than revenge-sex guy.

but now i feel like an ass because i feel like i have ruined our friendship. we've been friends since his kids were babies, and now the oldest one is in high school.

i also had sex in the house WHILE my daughter was here. never done that shit before, and now i feel guilty as hell. what if she had woken up?

i still can't believe i did it. i'm such a low down dirty bitch...i think i'm going back to sleep

i almost forgot

in the midst of all the activity this weekend, the doctors have found out the source of all my pain. it wasn't a cyst on my ovary like i suspected. i have a huge fibroid on my uterus which has in turn caused polyps to form....all of which can be removed safely thru surgery. but damn, surgery on my uterus surely means i'll have to go without sex AGAIN.

...but i still have a heart

after the breakup i had to tell my daughter that MJ wouldn't be coming around anymore.

normally, i don't get my child involved in my affairs. the last time she even knew about "mommy having a boyfriend" was the really bad relationship incident back in 2001. then there was the celibacy thing until 2003, then i was off to med school and free to do my dirt without her knowing. i believe as a single parent of a little girl, i have a responsibility to keep her from my sexual practices.

i tried to break it to her gently and answer her questions with as little detailed information as possible. to my surprise, she said just said "OK mommy", but the only thing she asked was about Mr. MJ's horses.

when MJ, my daughter and i were discussing the horses on wednesday, he said he would take her to see them. now, i am one of the most cautious parents there are, and i'll be damned if i let a man who isn't her father take her ANYWHERE, at all, EVER, especially without me. even some of my cousins are off limits. so gently i asked him to tell me where they were, or who the owner was so that i could take her myself.

he responded by saying that if told me and i took her, without him, then it wouldn't be as special as if "Mr. MJ" took her to see them. ok, that is understandable, that you want to do something special for my child. she's a sweet kid and everybody knows and likes her.

on sautrday (after the vindictive sex!) i was having a discussion with one of my many cousins...and she told me alot about MJ. she's an older lady and has known MJ and his family since he was born. so it seems he had a really rough childhood. he was never really loved by either of his parents, and when his mom remarried, the step dad was even worse to him. the mother + stepdad eventually just moved away and left MJ with his grandparents and aunts/uncles.

basically my older cousin said she wasn't defending his actions at all, but she said maybe he just doesn't know how to act when someone cares about him, AND how to react when someone who he cares about and genuinely cares about him has to leave him. it's easier for him to push me away now, than to have to deal with me leaving him in a few months.

another cousin (who lives next door to him) says he still likes me and doesn't understand why i am upset and thought we were just having a normal conversation. ummmmm, i don't think so...telling someone:

• "well i didn't tell you to care about me" and
• "why would you think that i cared about you" and
• "what did i do to you to make you think that i cared about you"

WTF????? that shit is NOT normal. yes, i do believe you can know someone for 10 years and fuck them for months, and still care about them as a person even if you are not interested in something long-term with them. if you don't care about me as a person or otherwise, then fine, just fuck me and move on. better yet, don't fuck me, there are plenty of other men out there who wanna fuck me and who do and WILL care about me AND my daughter. either way, just be HONEST about what you want.

but if you don't care about me and you didn't tell me to care about you, and all that other stupid bullshit he said to me, then why the FUCK does doing something special for my daughter even fuckin matter to him?? just tell me where the fuckin' horses are and leave us alone!! you know what? this fuckin town is so small i'll find the fuckin' horses my damn self even if i have to drive up and down EVERY country road!!!!

(deep cleansing breath - relax, relate, release...)

ok, so based on the whole med school/psychology/behavioral science stuff, i do understand his behavior, although it was immature. and yes, i do still care about him, even after he lashed out at me. but i'm so sorry, i'm gonna have to be stubborn on this one. just because you've had a shitty upbringing does not give you the right to treat others shittily. case closed.

yes, i am vindictive...

MJ and i are history.

on wednesday, we talked about the hospital and the tests, etc., which is what i wrote in my last blog. he was his usual loving, caring self, not only to me but toward my daughter. he even promised to take her to see some horses (her favorite!) because he knew someone who raises them.

on thursday, the very next day, MJ and i got into it (he started it) and he said some hurtful shit to me. i think he did that shit on purpose, because a few months ago MJ told one of my cousins that he didn't want to get his feelings hurt whenever i have to leave town again to finish school. (ok, that was a really long sentence, so you know english is not my forte'). so NOW that means he's immature as well.

back in med school, we had to interview mentally ill patients. of course we were all scared. but we had to do it. my conversation with MJ that day reminded me of the crazy house interviews. i don't understand the "jeckel and hyde" shit and i never will, med school or not. if he was trying to push me away, then i'm gone. you push me away over some stupid bullshit, the bitch comes out!!

on friday, i fucked a new guy.

my family has been trying to find eligible bachelors for me to date (guess they didn't like MJ??) but there are only so many men here who are NOT related to me. so i just called one of the potentials and he was home. i asked him if i could come over and chill with him, and he said ok. no powerful selection process, as this was revenge sex for me.

the new guy was just a hook up, so i didn't put much energy into it. besides, i was sooooo horny! even when we finally made it to the bed, his heart was beating so fast that i almost offered to get my stethoscope from the car to check him for murmurs! but i guess he was nervous :)~

it was good, and of course HIS penis was normal sized!! but it sure wasn't the the loving, caring sex i used to get from MJ...

I am so horny that....

ok, this is a long but funny story,

i have a really high sex drive. and i'm a cute bitch, so a lot of guys (and apparently girls too) want to have sex with me. but i am soooooo picky...

besides, i really don't like "dipping and dabbing" (another quote from my cousin who taught me about "cutting") so i stick with one penis at a time. that's just me - too many diseases out there.

my sex drive has been overcharged ever since that celibacy-experiment thing back in 2001. i was coming out of a really bad relationship, and i just wanted to see how long i could go without sex. the first 6 months was the hardest, but after that i really just forgot about it. then with all the applications to medical school and stuff, i was just too busy to even think about it.

when i got to med school in 2003, one of my classmates asked me if i thought sex was better now that i was in my 30's than when i was in my 20's. i gave her some lame response ("yeah girl, just wait until you're 30"), but then i thought about it....i was 31 at the time and the last time i had sex was when i was 28. i hadn't HAD sex in my 30's, and hell, i could've been missing out on some good sh*t!!

so i dropped the celibacy thing and made sure to find out the answer to her question. and yes, sex in your 30's IS MUCH BETTER than sex in your 20's. better times infinity. trust me - LOL!!

so fast forward to now, over the past two years, i have been trying to make up for lost time, and while not all 30's sex is good (because some guys just can't f*ck no matter how old they are), 30's masturbation is REALLY good :)

sex with MJ is also good. but i am usually so busy with my studying, my daughter, her school activities, PTA, and afterschool stuff, that i don't get as much sex as i'd like to...but such is life.

another reason why i haven't been having as much sex is because i have been in some pain. MJ says he doesn't want to hurt me, so we've been taking a sex-break. it's been a full two weeks as of today. TWO WEEKS! sh*t! that's the longest i've been without since we started. but whatever.

personally, i just think the pain is a cyst on my ovary (i've been taking BCP's for years), but of course i couldn't walk into the doctor's office with my own diagnosis. for some reason, doctors don't like smart-ass, know-it-all medical students, or smart-ass patients for that matter. so even though my doctor is really down to earth, i just played the role of the dummy patient and let her come up with the same possibility.

so anyway, she sent me to the hospital to get an untrasound today. the technician tells me that if she can't get a good shot of my ovary, she may have to use the "EndoVaginal" wand.

Endovaginal??? INSTANTANIOUSLY i begin to think of sex.....

so she says, "well ma'am, unfortunately, i'm gonna have to get the wand". i was so horny, that deep down, i was actually was happy.

she gets the wand, and sadly, i was so horny that it was starting to feel good!! i was sitting there trying NOT to think about it...trying to think of unsexy things (tractors, lawnmowers, kittens, damdelions, etc.). a few minutes later she was done and my still horny ass was outta there.

i told MJ what happened. he laughed at my story, but still thinks we should wait until the tests come back before we start having sex again.

DAMN!!

Cutting??

i was talking to one of my older cousins the other day (this town is full of my relatives) at our family's labor day cookout. i love him to death, and he's like my other brother!! we usually talk often and about everything, but we've both been busy. anyway, he asked about MJ. i told things between us were just fine, because didn't dare tell him about how miniscule MJ's penis is. knowing my cousin, he would have told everyone, and i know how sensitive men are about size :)~

then my cousin began telling me about his weekend. he said he had been cutting.....

of course the first thing i thought of was anatomy lab and how we had cutting rotations on our cadavers (so no one got tired of cutting every week), so i was a little confused...

then he said he, "messed around and fell asleep in her bed".

i had to chuckle to myself....since when has the female anatomy been renamed "cut"?? and the act of having sex "cutting"? Are they really using knives, swords, scalpels, etc. - LOL

and what is getting cut during the cutting process? the cut itself?? can you LOGISTICALLY cut a cut??

don't confuse me!! i already have enough sh*t in my head!!

i guess i need to get out more...

Mr. Right versus Mr. Right-now

two blogs in one night - i'm on a roll! actually i finally got my daughter in the bed before i crash myself, so what else is on my mind....

well, i met someone. actually i've known "MJ" for a while, but we recently began dating/having a sexual relationship.

everyone knows medical school students don't get out much. just watch any medically-related show (ER, Scrubs, Grey's Anatomy, etc.) and they are always f*cking EACH OTHER. because, well, that's all we have time for. working and f*cking....sometimes they don't even EAT.

personally, i detest all the people i go to school with, so i'd rather just do without. something about stabbing people in the back that keeps me from wanting to f*ck somebody...no matter how good they look, what test answers they have, or how big the penis-print is in the scrubs (and yes, i DO look at penis-prints!).

then add in the single mom factor. i get NONE on a regular basis!

makes me think of my favorite lines from one of my favorite movies:


Rod Tidwell: I feel for you, man. But a real man wouldn't shoplift the pootie from a single mom.
Jerry Maguire: I didn't shoplift the pootie.
Jerry Maguire: All right. I shoplifted the pootie.


of course i am well aware of shoplifters. i have a few of them chasing me right now. so again, i just kept my sh*t on lockdown and handled my business on my own (get my drift??). until MJ.

MJ is so different from my regular "type" - not that i have a type of man that i am looking for to settle down with, because that would be shallow of me, and i am by no means a shallow woman :)~

but i do have a "specific" preference....and he ain't got it.

i prefer tall men - and he's tall

i prefer light skinned men - and he's light skinned

i prefer attractive men - and he's very attractive, with light eyes (a plus)



i prefer LARGE penises...and unfortunately that's where he's lacking


it's not just small, it's really, really, REALLY small :(

but you know what? since we've been together, he makes sure i am "pleased" every time (and first - thank you very much), and like a Snickers bar, it "satisfies" me. but hell, i don't remember the last time i had any. it's like i've been out there starving, and someone just gave me a cracker. what if i realize that filet mignon is just around the corner??

right now, i like him and he likes me, and it's just nice. we still have our issues, but we are able to work them out and commnicate better than any other person that i've dated before. is that a sign that i've matured or that he's "the one"? probably just my maturity...who knows.

is he my future husband? hell if i know. i'm not off the market just yet, so we'll see how things go. his family likes me, my family likes him, AND my daughter likes him (yet another plus, because that girl is so mean that she hates just about everyone - long story for another blog).

you know how old folks "always say" something. they "always say" that when you start liking someone who is different than people you usually date, then that's the person that you're gonna marry.

would i be tempted to cheat???? ummm, yeah i would - but i believe in marrage so strongly that i wouldn't do it. but the temptation would definitely be there.

can i really spend the rest of my life with MJ and his miniature penis??? well, in that case, i hear they're best for anal sex...who knows??

just being thankful

i said i was gonna post in here every day - i know, i'm a liar! but my life is soooooo hectic. people always ask me how i raise a child and attend grad school. but i guess i just don't think about how i do it, i just do it. most times i'm just on auto-pilot....just coasting....putting out the fires as i go along....

but you know what?

i am thankful that i have a life no matter how busy - because how many people aren't here today?

i am thankful that my life hasn't been uprooted like all of the Katrina survivors/evacuees/refugees, or whatever they are being called today.

they even sent some Katrina survivors to the town where i live - mind you, i live in the middle of NOWHERE! if you don't have a car here, you are in some deep trouble. there's no mcdonald's or other fast food here, so that lets you know how small this town is. there is nothing here, NOTHING!!!

can you imagine everything you have - just gone? and then having to leave louisiana or mississippi and then coming HERE?? hell, i been tryin' to get outta here for years - lol!!

just my thoughts...