...but i still have a heart

after the breakup i had to tell my daughter that MJ wouldn't be coming around anymore.

normally, i don't get my child involved in my affairs. the last time she even knew about "mommy having a boyfriend" was the really bad relationship incident back in 2001. then there was the celibacy thing until 2003, then i was off to med school and free to do my dirt without her knowing. i believe as a single parent of a little girl, i have a responsibility to keep her from my sexual practices.

i tried to break it to her gently and answer her questions with as little detailed information as possible. to my surprise, she said just said "OK mommy", but the only thing she asked was about Mr. MJ's horses.

when MJ, my daughter and i were discussing the horses on wednesday, he said he would take her to see them. now, i am one of the most cautious parents there are, and i'll be damned if i let a man who isn't her father take her ANYWHERE, at all, EVER, especially without me. even some of my cousins are off limits. so gently i asked him to tell me where they were, or who the owner was so that i could take her myself.

he responded by saying that if told me and i took her, without him, then it wouldn't be as special as if "Mr. MJ" took her to see them. ok, that is understandable, that you want to do something special for my child. she's a sweet kid and everybody knows and likes her.

on sautrday (after the vindictive sex!) i was having a discussion with one of my many cousins...and she told me alot about MJ. she's an older lady and has known MJ and his family since he was born. so it seems he had a really rough childhood. he was never really loved by either of his parents, and when his mom remarried, the step dad was even worse to him. the mother + stepdad eventually just moved away and left MJ with his grandparents and aunts/uncles.

basically my older cousin said she wasn't defending his actions at all, but she said maybe he just doesn't know how to act when someone cares about him, AND how to react when someone who he cares about and genuinely cares about him has to leave him. it's easier for him to push me away now, than to have to deal with me leaving him in a few months.

another cousin (who lives next door to him) says he still likes me and doesn't understand why i am upset and thought we were just having a normal conversation. ummmmm, i don't think so...telling someone:

• "well i didn't tell you to care about me" and
• "why would you think that i cared about you" and
• "what did i do to you to make you think that i cared about you"

WTF????? that shit is NOT normal. yes, i do believe you can know someone for 10 years and fuck them for months, and still care about them as a person even if you are not interested in something long-term with them. if you don't care about me as a person or otherwise, then fine, just fuck me and move on. better yet, don't fuck me, there are plenty of other men out there who wanna fuck me and who do and WILL care about me AND my daughter. either way, just be HONEST about what you want.

but if you don't care about me and you didn't tell me to care about you, and all that other stupid bullshit he said to me, then why the FUCK does doing something special for my daughter even fuckin matter to him?? just tell me where the fuckin' horses are and leave us alone!! you know what? this fuckin town is so small i'll find the fuckin' horses my damn self even if i have to drive up and down EVERY country road!!!!

(deep cleansing breath - relax, relate, release...)

ok, so based on the whole med school/psychology/behavioral science stuff, i do understand his behavior, although it was immature. and yes, i do still care about him, even after he lashed out at me. but i'm so sorry, i'm gonna have to be stubborn on this one. just because you've had a shitty upbringing does not give you the right to treat others shittily. case closed.